


Undeserving

by Liza0111



Category: Heavy Rain
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mention of substance abuse, Self-Hatred, Wtihdrawals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 02:09:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14843580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liza0111/pseuds/Liza0111
Summary: Norman questions whether or not he is good enough for Ethan Mars.





	Undeserving

**Author's Note:**

> I end up hurting myself while writing this fic. Please protect Norman at all costs, this man really deserves all the happiness in the world ;___;

 

Norman can’t recall when was the last time he ate. His stomach seems to refuse to hold anything down, a prominent side effect of withdrawal from Triptocaine. The sides of his head are pounding, and he finds it difficult to concentrate on anything other than the pain.

 

Withdrawal is a curse, really. It is like getting drunk minus all the fun part. He feels ill, so ill. He remembers the first time he had too much to drink while in college and ended up throwing up at his friend’s dorm room. Back then, he was mortified by the mess he created. Now he is more or less used to it. It doesn’t make it any less disgusting though, and it certainly doesn’t make him feel any less of a nuisance.  

 

Lying on the cold bathroom floor, he attempts to gather enough strength to get himself back on his feet. He can’t let Ethan see him like this. He doesn’t want this to be the first thing Ethan sees when he gets home from work. The more he thinks about it the more it hurts. He wishes he could look forward to his future, he wishes he could enjoy being in a loving relationship with a man he really loves without feeling guilty. But the truth is he can never stop thinking about how Ethan deserves someone who is better than this. Ethan has been through way too much, after losing his oldest son and a painful divorce with his ex-wife, his only son left got kidnapped by a twisted man and he was forced to go through a series of sick games that nearly claimed his life on multiple occasion. On top of that, he was even accused of being the Origami Killer and was hunted down by the police force. Now that everything is finally over, Ethan Mars deserves to be happy, he deserves to enjoy his life to the fullest, but he can’t because he is stuck with taking care of an useless, pathetic FBI agent who can’t seem to stop ruining his own life.

 

 _Get up, goddammit, get up_. Norman curses himself. Ethan is going to come home soon, and this is what he is going to see, just like the day before. He started his detox a week ago, and it hasn’t gotten any easier at all. He knows he is making the right decision, but it doesn’t make these symptoms more bearable. Other than the physical effects, the craving for those toxic substance has also taken a toll on his mental health. He is exhausted and frustrated, tired of not being able to do the simplest thing. Tired of always being taken care of. Tired of burdening the one he loves the most.

 

Triptocaine was never about the high for him. In retrospect, he can see how he ignored all the warning signs all along. But during that time, it seemed like the right thing to do. It was part of the job. ARI is an effective device. It is useful and aided him in solving many cases. He was happy, triumphant ever. Then the side effects started kicking in. The headaches and hallucinations hindered his productivity, something that a young agent who just began his career such as himself cannot afford. Back then all he wanted was to put his skills into good use. Solve more cases. Protect those he vowed to serve. He told himself over and over again that he would not over-indulge in  that toxic substance, but it was becoming the only way he can manage to cope. At first it was to alleviate the distracting side effects, but then he was starting to take it because _he had to_. He couldn’t get up in the morning without opening the vial and taking a sniff. It was either Tripto or be both physically and mentally miserable from the moment he wakes up to the time he goes to bed. It wasn’t even about his job anymore, he was doing it to be able to maintain basic human function.

 

And now, his ability to retain those basic human function is once again being stripped away. The emotions he experiences right now can only be described as self-hatred. Ever since he started his detox, “worry” seems to be the only expression permanently plastered on Ethan’s face when he is home. Anyone else would have been tired and fed up with him by now, but because Ethan Mars is someone who was born with too much kindness in that big heart of his and have an inherent inclination of self-sacrifice, he takes all of this responsibility into his own hands.  Never complained a word. He is always there when Norman needs him, always there even when Norman doesn’t say anything, always knows how to differentiate between when the agent needs a hug versus space to be alone.

 

The irony in all this is he put on ARI to become better at his job. Then he took Tripto to make sure he can keep working that job. Now he thinks his withdrawal is going to be the thing to prevent him from staying at that job. It has gotten too much to bear. He knows the moment he returns to the office he will be tempted to use ARI again to help him with a case. He needs some normalcy in his life, and that statement is pretty much a death sentence to his career.

 

He can bear the disappointment and frustration of having to leave the FBI, he has himself to blame. He could have rejected ARI sooner, if he had the strength. He could have stopped using Tripto, before it became an addiction. Ultimately he led himself on this path, and he can accept that. What he cannot accept is causing more problems for Ethan. He doesn’t even know if he will ever get better. What if the damages left by ARI are permanent? He doesn’t want to make Ethan go through this for another second, let alone another day. The guilt eats away at him every single day, to the point sometimes he wonders if it would be better for everyone if he doesn’t open his eyes the next day.

 

Norman figures he probably has some kind of complex with guilt. When the clock was ticking down on the final two day to rescue Shaun Mars, Norman entirely lost his ability to properly rest. He had recurring nightmares of dragging the child’s cold corpse from an open well, and he would wake up in cold sweat screaming Shaun’s name, begging him to breathe. There was no reason for him to get as emotionally invested as he did, it was only another case for him to work on, but Norman had never been particularly talented at separating his emotions from his work.  Besides, if he experienced this level of panic and anxiety to Shaun’s kidnapping, he cannot imagine how Ethan and Grace must have felt. With a hazy mind Norman would crawl out of bed, walked over to the coffee machine provided in his three star hotel, and poured himself another cup of coffee with shaky hands. He reached out to ARI over and over again, praying for just the slightest hint that would lead him to the location where Shaun was held. He slept whenever he exhausted himself to the point of passing out. Or in some cases the effects of Tripto withdrawals would claim his consciousness instead, and he tried to make use of those few moments when his body fully shut down.

 

The problem he is currently facing isn’t really about how bad the withdrawals can get, or how much pain he is constantly under. It is the fact that he is incapable of making Ethan Mars, the man he so deeply loves and cares for, happy. This fact cuts deeper than any wound he has ever suffered from.

 

His vision is blurring out again. Norman wonders if he is about to puke again, even though there is quite literally nothing left in his stomach. He is drifting between the lines of blacking out and keeping awake, reality and imagination. When he feels the cold breeze against his cheek and the rustle of leaves in the distance, his entire body freezes. _Not this again_ , Norman bites his lips hard enough to draw blood, holding back a sob in his throat. To some extent, he thinks his hallucination is even worse than throwing up into the toilet, because he knows this aspect of his withdrawal frightens Ethan more than any other symptoms. When he is only feeling sick, he can at least communicate with Ethan in _some_ way. Even if he can’t talk, he can still give Ethan a reassuring smile, or a slight nod to let him know that he is still here. But every time he is trapped in that goddamn world, he can’t feel and hear anything that is happening in reality.

 

_All he needs is……just a little bit……He can still make it before Ethan comes back……Just……a little……_

 

As his hallucinations come and fade, Norman turns his head and stares at the drawer next to the bed in the bedroom. There is one last vial he kept, in case of emergency. Just in case something happened when he is going through withdrawal again, it would be his last option.

 

_Just imagine one day where he doesn’t add more stress to Ethan’s life…… just one day……_

 

Norman grits his teeth, feeling the moisture filling up in his eyes, and blinks it away in frustration. He hates himself for even thinking it, but for that brief second, he is sure if he actually has the vial in his hand, he would open it and take a whiff of the blue substance.

 

 _He is so weak, he can’t even resist that temptation on his own anymore._ That realization crashes in from above him, and Norman finally feels the tears running down the side of his face. He chokes on his tears a few times, lying on the floor, too exhausted to even move. He let his mind go blank for a few moments, then he hears the sound of a car driving up to the driveway. He instantly feels even more miserable, knowing the inevitable is about to happen again. The tragedy known as Norman Jayden.

 

Just as expected, Ethan comes into the bathroom within a minute after calling out Norman’s name without getting a response. Just as expected, the worry expression quickly overtakes Ethan’s features. “Norm!” Ethan reaches out to him, kneeling next to him and helping him sit up against the wall. Norman closes his eyes shut instinctively. He doesn’t want to let Ethan see how teary his eyes are. _Too late_ , he laughs in self-mockery internally. He forgot he was crying earlier and Ethan totally can tell.

 

“I am here, Norm. I’ll take care of you.” There is guilt in Ethan’s voice too, and it only makes Norman want to start crying again. He knows Ethan feels guilty for leaving him alone in the house when he goes to work, and he hates how he makes his boyfriend feel that way. Ethan shouldn’t have to feel bad for having a career.

 

He hears Ethan getting up and returning to his side quickly. The agent is still too afraid to open his eyes, looking into Ethan’s deep blue eyes right now will only make it hurt even more. The soft texture on his face right now must be a towel Ethan got to help clean him up. There is a another gentle touch against his skin, Ethan’s hand cupping his face. He sits in silence for another minute before giving in, and he slowly opens his eyes.

 

Ethan catches his gaze and gives him a small smile. A sad one. Norman can feel the weight of his beating heart dragging him down into the depth of an untouchable abyss.

 

“Hey there,” The father caresses his face, “You okay, Norman?”

 

Norman wishes he can say something that will make Ethan feel better, but his efforts are futile. His head hurts and he can’t think of anything other than his disarrayed thoughts. “Ethan……” He sniffles, not knowing where to begin or where this will end up. “I……I think I got to leave, I shouldn’t be here anymore, I should leave you alone……” He sees Ethan’s blue eyes widening in disbelief and his chest hurts like hell, everything is wrong and this is all his fault.

 

“Norman, what are you saying?” The architect is alarmed, then the panic sets in. “Do you mean you want to move out? Or……or do you want to break up? Is this what you want?” There is a slight tremble in his voice.   

 

Norman looks up at Ethan with new tears forming in his eyes, heaving a small sigh and pulling his knees against his chest. “N-no, I don’t want that.” He replies lamely, the corners of his lips turning downward into a frown. “I am just _……_ so tired……of making you worry _……_ and stressed out…...I am so sorry Ethan……all I ever do is make you miserable.” He drops his gaze in shame, maybe part of him only thought of breaking up because he is convinced one day this will become too much for Ethan and he would want to leave him, so maybe it’ll hurt less if he is the one who ends things between them. But after all he is not strong enough to actually go through with it. He has never loved anyone the way he loves Ethan.

 

“God, you really can be such a fool sometimes, Norm……” Ethan exhales deeply, his body visibly relaxing from his tensed position. He almost wants to scold the FBI agent, but he is far too heartbroken to find out Norman’s thought. Without speaking another word, Ethan envelops Norman in a tight embrace, gently rubbing his back to provide him comfort. “You are not making me miserable, don’t ever think that again. I am so happy to be dating you, Norman. You have done so much for me. You literally saved my life and my son's life. I would have been dead without you.”

 

“B-but……You always come home to this, and you spend so much time taking care of me. You can’t even focus on your job because I get sick all the time.” The brunet’s voice is small and weak, but he can’t help but to lean into Ethan’s warmth. He craves Ethan’s love more than he will ever crave for Triptocaine.

 

“I love taking care of you.” Ethan says firmly, brushing away the tears in Norman’s eyes with his thumb. “Of course, it hurts to see you in pain, but you are never a burden. I want to be by your side throughout the entire time. I don’t mind doing any of this. I want you to be able to rely on me. And I am sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise, that’s my fault.” His voice is affectionate and tender, “I love you so much, Norman. I would never want to leave you, so please, don’t talk about leaving me, you might just give me a heart attack.” He jokes lightly, placing a few comforting kisses on the brunet’s forehead, letting him know he is right here and not going anywhere.

 

“I _……_ I almost thought of using Tripto again, because I don’t want you to see me _……_ like this.” The agent admits shamefully. The desire to take the harmful drug that led him to where he is now is the worst choice possible, yet he still considered it. He nearly ruined his own progress and he is ashamed of even thinking about it.

 

“But you didn’t, and that’s all that matters. I am so proud of you, Norm.” Ethan beams at him, and finally Norman feels like he might be able to breathe again. The weight in his heart is gradually being lifted. “Now no more of that nonsense, you are my boyfriend and you are not going anywhere, no more apologizing, and I’ll take care of you always, sounds good?”

 

“Y-yeah.” Norman nods timidly, smiling back a little. He thinks he doesn’t deserve Ethan, but Ethan chose him, and he should respect that. Maybe he is useless and pathetic, but he will become better, because he is dating such an incredible person.

 

“Now, let’s get you cleaned up. You need some rest.” Ethan says warmly and gives Norman’s hand a squeeze. With Ethan’s touch, Norman feels the pain slipping away from his body, until all that’s left is warmth. “You make me the happiest man in the world, Norman Jayden. Don’t ever let yourself forget that.”

 

His clothes are clean and smells like laundry detergent. Norman snuggles closer to Ethan as his boyfriend wraps his arm around his waist in a protective manner. After getting him into the shower, Ethan insists on taking a nap with Norman. “I’ll make dinner when we wake up, some soup maybe, so it’s easier on your stomach.” The architect said. Norman feels exhausted after his withdrawal symptoms and sleeping next to Ethan does sound nice. As he peacefully falls asleep, the only thing left in his mind is his overwhelming love for Ethan Mars. There are many difficulties in life, but he thinks he will be able to get pass it. He knows he will survive this. Because with Ethan by his side, he will _always_ have a purpose to go on.

 

 


End file.
